As I was walking in my neighborhood mall a few days ago, I came to a harsh realization about myself. A realization that nearly floored me, but made perfect sense after I thought about it for a while.

That life-changing realization was that I hate stupid people. I not only hate them, I have a deep-seated, almost frightening, loathing of these people.

This all started as I passed one of the many "non-conformists" that frequent the mall because of either their lack of a job or because all other respectable places in town had already kicked them out. You might know these strange, and horribly stupid, people as freaks. They prefer the name "non-conformist." Well, being the humanitarian that I am, I feel that it is my duty to inform these people that they are in fact conforming. You see because they don’t dress like us, or listen to the music we listen to, or because they feel the need to get a few pounds of metal injected into their faces they believe that they are rebelling against the norm and therefore are making a statement. That’s all well and good except that the statement they are trying to make was made twenty years ago! Those people lived in England and called themselves punks you idiots! It wasn’t conforming when they did it because they did it first. It even became conforming over there when half of the Lower East Side of London did it. That’s why they stopped doing it. But all of you over-privileged, well-schooled, white kids think that the world is inherently bad and by shoving a metal stud into your tongue that you are making a statement that says it should be better. God, how did people like you evolve into walking sentient beings. You do realize that all you’re doing is conforming to a different part of society’s version of beauty, right?

You want to be different? Well, here’s how you can truly deviate from the norm. Go to a local hardware store and buy a five-foot long pole. Take this pole and shove it straight up your ass! Then wear pants that accentuate the pole. Your group of freaks will think that you’re an artistic genius. Then they will all shove poles up their asses. Of coarse then all suburban kids will be shoving things up their asses and then you’ll have to find another way to be different.

Now onto the next example that somewhere evolution made a horrible mistake in the human gene pool: religious fanatics. Now you’re asking yourselves, "He just went after the freaks, but surely he won’t go after the goodly people of Religion." Well guess what, that’s exactly what I’m going to do! Now, I don’t mind people practicing their religion in their everyday lives, in fact I admire that kind of devotion, but tell me that this scenario garners respect from any of you. I once went to a TCBY for some of the country’s best yogurt, and I actually saw people praying and blessing their banana splits! WHAT THE F? It’s ice cream you putz. God doesn’t expect you to bless your ice cream! In fact it probably makes him wonder where he went wrong as a father to see his sons and daughters (now all you non-believers don’t go off on me, I’m just speaking in a language that these fanatics understand) are acting like such imbeciles! And while we’re talking about these people, why do you insist on putting a damn fish on your car? It just makes you look like an idiot. It doesn’t impress anyone, and here’s a shocker, it’s not going to magically convert anyone to Christianity. So take it off!

Now then the last and probably the stupidest of all people, the gun nuts. I have a question for these people. Let me ask you, how many guns is enough? I mean I can almost see wanting one, perhaps two, but twenty or more? What are you doing? Is there a ground war going on that I’m not aware of? Oh, you people are just stupid, well that explains it. I’m not going to spend too much time on you because I have to go after your Patron Saint, your blessed one, your Moses with an AK. I have to talk about Charlton "Blowing away the damn dirty apes" Heston. All I can say is Oh how the mighty have fallen. He’s gone from overacting to president of the NRA. How sad is that. The man is an Oscar winner and the best he can do now is be the leader of the nutbars. Of course you guys do have the Second amendment to protect you as much as I have the first to protect me, but yours was written for colonists and mine was written for people other than that, but I don’t nit-pick. Quick trivia, what is the only amendment that is universally known in all of our country’s trailer parks? Yeah, you get my point. By the way these are the same guys that are stupefied when there is a school shooting. For some reason they just can’t explain where the kids are getting the guns they’re using.

Damn guys, I wonder.